So the question is…. My narcissist is begging me and the kids to come home. What should I do?
My answer is going to come from a place of love, from my experience, and the education I’ve learned around this topic. In the end, it’s my opinion and you need to make the choice for yourself.
So, my answer to this is….
I’m sure you already know how nasty and how manipulative narcissist can be which is why you have identified him as a narcissist in the first place and that means at the very least, we can call that relationship toxic.
You deserve better, and I think you are starting to realize that since you are asking this question. It can be confusing because of how the abuse affects us. But you deserve better, and if you don’t realize that fully, that’s okay, I didn’t either. But you have to step away from that relationship. It took me distancing myself from him as much as possible and really focusing on my healing.
Even if you can’t see that you deserve better right now, What I do think you will agree with is your children deserve better.
You may not realize it, but they are learning a lot about relationships from you right now and their father, and returning to abuse or a toxic home because someone is begging or being nice for a short time, is teaching them a pattern. The cycle of abuse. There is a good chance they will become the victim or the abuser in their relationships unless they have something better to compare that to. Which you have the power to give them.
Teach them to make better choices by example. They need to be in a healthy home, with an emotionally healthy mother showing them how to live their best life. They need to see that so they can compare it to what they will see from their father otherwise all they will know is victim/abuser relationship and we often repeat patterns that are familiar. They know more than we give them credit for.
I used to think it was best for children to have both parents in their life until I started seeing the damage it was doing to them.
So, you deserve better momma and so do your babies. You have the power to give them that. Work on your healing, make it a priority in your life and just spend time with yourself and your babies right now. You don’t need to be in a relationship just yet.
Create a support system if you don’t already have one. Family and friends that are positive and that you and the children can spend time with.
I would say therapy for you and the children is necessary but be sure they understand the effects of narcissistic abuse so they can properly help you. Some therapists have had little training in cluster b personalities so it can be difficult for them to help you.
Another great tool is coaches or healers that work with victims of narc abuse. They are usually survivors themselves and understand the trauma very well so they can help you with a lot of the things you are dealing with.
Also, one more thing. Go completely no contact so you are not having these types of conversations with him. Have a detailed parenting agreement that includes all contact goes through the Family Wizard (or like) app and calls are only for emergency. If he gets calls to the children as part of the parenting agreement, make sure you are not part of them. Most likely if he can’t get to you, he might not even talk to the children. And a therapist can help the children around their emotions with that and give you advice so you can also help them.
I hope my answer is useful and helps you make the best choice for you and your children. I’m going to include resources I think will be useful in the description below.
What are your thoughts? Leave a comment below